Wish everyone would understand, I’ll never be any other way!

I can’t help for the way I am, I don’t know any other way to be. Being an aspie, that’s what I know, I go MY speed MY way. No one can change me, I can’t go the same pace like others, I am not able to gather my thoughts all at once or be able to put my words together as quickly as others. I’ll never understand why people, including my own family just don’t understand. I tell them but its like its not getting through to them.

Some days I just want to hide, runaway or maybe just not talk at all. Maybe just lock myself away further into my own reality world, only then my aspie world will bloom.
Sometimes I feel hurt by how my family or friends behave with me, act like I’m a “nut” or talk to me as though I am incapable of understanding and that is just not so.

I love my family but I just wish they understood me better.

What is a friend, better yet, What makes a good friend???

Now I know what a friend is and I know what makes a good friend but what I don’t understand is why or rather how come other people don’t know this, why do other people who say they are friends behave in such a way that makes the ones they call friends feel bad or question the friendship. Even me being an aspie I know how to be a good friend, I have always had friends though they are all school mates and some I’ve gotten to know from a group online but I’ve not met those ladies except one, she was/is very nice anyways I grew up with one lady whom we consider best friends. I know from those friendships that you should care about one another, honesty, feel safe, have confidence with one another, trust, love, compassion, listen and be there for each other, to brighten their day and laugh with each other. Shouldn’t lie, bring the other down, be dishonest, fake, care only about yourself and not defend your honor.

I have, well not sure I want to say friend but being me I can’t call her anything else its just not in my nature but for now “friend” will do as supposedly she is a “friend”. I’ve known her for 30 something years and she is loud, obnoxious, deceitful, judgmental, ok so everything very opposite of myself and by now I’m sure you’re wondering why would you want to be friends, well simple I am too friendly, too caring, too thoughtful, too giving and I just am a perfect target for ones to take advantage of though some don’t realize it I’m sure but they do.
Over the years she’s gotten worse with taking advantage of my friendship by pulling me into her strange and “fake” world, not what you think see she is one of those people who starve for attention, always! She’s always making things up to keep me hooked, to keep it always about her. If she calls its never “how are you” or “everything ok on you’re end”, its always “I did this” “I’m getting paid this much” “my kid did this” and I’d say half the time if not all she is lying about things just to have attention, today it was “I broke my arm” how “well its not broke but they said it was some sort of fracture and it happened when I was cleaning the fridge and the door got closed on it”…omg really!!! Always demanding me to do for her when she could do herself. Always trying to “one up me”, money or health she’s always got the best or the worst. Her biggest lie/fake thing is serious because she totally believes what she says and I think she just can’t stop. Once she had told me her older brother had said that he doesn’t like me because he thinks I’m stupid and her mom don’t like me because I don’t work (haven’t since before my boys were born in 2002 and 2004) and because I am different. Why did she feel she had to tell me about that, whether true or not i wouldn’t have told her just to save her feelings. Oh well.

All in all I can’t just drop her or tell her off, I’m not capable of doing so but in my mind. I just take it all in. I’m not afraid to loose her as a “friend” because she’s not been a very good one to me. I just be the best I can be of a friend to everyone.
Best advice I have to others choose your friends wisely. Make sure they listen to you as much as you do them, care for one another, be thoughtful of another, always be honest never lie you’re friends you shouldn’t have to lie, laugh with each other, never make fun or tease the other just because one is different.

This was more of a rant than anything and feels good to tell someone, get it off my chest because it weighs heavy most days and some I just don’t know what to do about this.

Just another reason why I stay out of the light…

Its a social thing I guess, I don’t do well in anything social and really that includes online places like facebook (for example). I mean I just don’t get it, course being an aspie may say it all. As a friend and even in my peer group I’m considered friendly, caring, thoughtful, loving and good listener but at the same time no one understands what’s going on inside me and I figure well its because they are just too concerned about themselves to care what’s going on with me so I just shut down, basically bow out quietly and honest to goodness no one and I mean no one even knew I was gone. That has happened a lot to me.

So back to the online social smocial places. So I say things, post a thing or two about family and pets but mostly share things I’ve read and liked thinking others would enjoy, some do and a few may comment or like and very few share it. Now when others ask for a prayer or prayer warriors I always join in even though I’m not very religious I do believe in saying a prayer, for me its more of a thoughtful and courteous thing to do but when I ask for it hardly any of my close friends join in as I would for them. I just don’t understand why other people can’t be just as courteous or thoughtful.

Confused instructions = Meltdown

Let me go back a week. So I was seeing a gastro for my Crohn’s and I’ve been with them for 5 years, no remission, no relief, doc never knows what my diagnosis is nor what she’s put me on and then to make matters worse there’s now another lady (patient) with the same exact first name, spelling too, which they almost got us mixed up! So I called another gastro who not only treats my folks but his specialty is with Crohn’s and UC, I’m pretty excited about my first appt in March. Come to find out the gastro I was seeing her expertise is with the liver, she shouldn’t have been treating me period.

So my instructions were to call the gastro office I was seeing and have them FAX my chart to the new gastro. I figure no problem and call them to do just that….first problem…old gastro said I need to sign a paper to release my chart, OK gotcha now how do I go about that and she was no help so I called the new gastro….second problem…new gastro, lady kinda acted as if I were stupid or beneath her for her to give me a proper logical answer so she sends me to another lady….third problem…by this time my voice is a bit shaky and I get that dry, rock feeling in my throat while trying to keep it together and not cry all the while I’m flustered, my brain is shutting down or well freezing up and I just want to give up….so as I am doing my best to keep it together, I ask her how do I do this or will this paper be in my new patient packet and she too acts as though I’m stupid, she said to go to the old gastro and fill it out there and have them FAX it. Ugh…

After my call I totally and completely let out a scream followed by crying, shaking, just so upset between myself and them. I just don’t understand why this is so hard for me, social smocial, I could so do without having to do anything social especially on the phone. My meltdown lasted for near 25 mins and then a calming for 15 mins. During I must say, 3 of my 5 cats came to check on me. One got so close to me, rubbing against me as if to say “I’m here for you, it’s OK”.

Sickness and surgery, ugh…

Ok so for the past month I’ve been sick with this stupid “crud” that’s been going around, course my sinuses have always been bad. Its gone through everyone in the house and for the most part I’m the only one still stuck with it.
And then a few days ago I had some minor surgery, a place I don’t care to mention lol but I can say it hurts BAD!! I’m wondering now if I actually made a good decision now lol, I know in time I would’ve had to go through it eventually but still the pain I just don’t want.

So besides the pain and yuckness I’m ok, I’m breathing and still alive. I really don’t have much to blog about tonight even though there’s so much going through my brain, course there’s always a ton of stuff going through my aspie brain but its hard to get down one topic so I ramble, kinda like my brain with ADD.

I thank y’all for bearing with me, one day will come that I don’t ramble. Hope.

Moving update!

Big YAY to me! Lol…sometimes I surprise myself with how I will get so frustrated at figuring something out or doing something but once I walk away from it and come back calmly figure it out my brain kicks in and BAM i get it!

So let me say my blog is here to stay, not that its that popular or important but I like to think maybe what I may post someone may find interesting or maybe helpful, then too its helpful for me as some do give me either great advice that helps me out or friendly pick me up or understanding. Either way we all benefit 😌

Ty for sticking it out with me and now that I have a tablet I hope to be here more.

Blog moving…

Well guess you could say I’m “moving on up” kind of, lol, got a tablet Christmas and well I really can’t recall my login here so it’s either keep my old phone just for WordPress or just move it, most likely well 100% sure I’ll be changing the blog name I wish I knew how to take the ones I follow and my followers as well as my posts but I have yet to figure that one out. Must be a simple and painless (for my brain that is) for me to do this but I’ve yet to find it.
I’ll try to update to let everyone know the new blog soon. TY all for being wonderful and helpful, giving great advice and motivation when I needed it the most!

Hope you all have a wonderful day and Happy New Year!!

Stress & Anxiety of social situations.

Growing up my parents would always tell others “Oh she’s just shy” and so I thought for a very long time that’s what it was, I was just shy to other people but I’ve come to realize that just isn’t so.

I’ve always been very friendly, easy to get along with, make friends easily and even worked at an amusement park throughout my teen years on different rides. I had lots of interaction with many, many people during my teen years though I would be stand-offish and would walk around a good bit or very small talk and never any eye contact but friendly.

In school that was very different, people I grew up knowing I was talkative and friends with but others it was difficult to come around to or knowing them. Loud noises like the bell, the hallways and lunchroom were always rough for me but when it came to being in band I had zero problems, felt as one with music.

Now that I’m an adult and mom I find it very difficult to escape home, leaving my familiar settings where I’m comfortable. I wanted to be more active with my boys schools but being closed in in confined spaces is just too much for me not to mention the loud noises and too many people.
Going to the stores is pretty much the same, but if it’s too crowded I leave. I try not to go to the stores when I think they would be overly crowded like weekends or near holidays or just after them. I dislike when standing in line to pay someone comes behind me and gets so close to me I feel them breathing on my neck or their buggy (OK I’m in the south and we call shopping carts buggies lol) so close to me it touches my backside.

I stress so much over what I think are major things but my husband thinks they are trivial to him and I shouldn’t stress or have any anxiety over them but I am unable to help it. Something that I just can’t control but I am in therapy and I’m sure I will be for a long time as my stress and anxiety over social issues has never been treated and I’ve been this way for 40 years!

Just don’t understand

So after coming to a point where I’m “settling in” with knowing I’m an aspie, trust me it’s all good I’m comfortable with it, it’s other people more so docs and my therapist who just don’t get it or me, at least I feel that way.
I’ve “settled in” with my ways and the way I am and do things, I’ve accepted the fact that I’m unique, that yes I’m going to get very sad and upset as well as have meltdowns sometimes nasty ones but knowing what I know about AS and depression/bipolar I know the difference between them…why can’t they!

I just don’t understand it, it’s not like AS was discovered yesterday but yet many, well, majority of people still don’t accept or acknowledge it.
You’d think that with the dx of so many that there would be more knowledge about it especially in the education and doctor fields.

I’ve been misdx’d for years. First in the 90’s with clinical depression, then in 2000’s depression to major depression and now depressive bipolar but this psychologist I must say he did say AS along with the last dx BUT still doesn’t want to say it’s just AS…Ugh…I just don’t understand, why not just accept AS already!

During therapy last week she wanted to keep on about being depressed and I kept telling her it’s more from being upset or sad in AS and being so fatigued and once again she relating that to depression as well but I point out that it’s from my Crohn’s. (Yea, I know an added bonus with my AS which tummy issues are related with AS, I was dx with Crohn’s before my AS though). If you don’t know, which unless you know someone with an IBD or have it you wouldn’t know, Crohn’s can wipe you OUT! Then too AS can also be very draining at times too.

If I could, had the nerve to, I would so train these people on what I know about the differences of AS, depression and bipolar but my brain goes faster than my mouth a lot of times so it would be a difficult task for me.

I should write a book!! ツ

Too many people!

Been a while since my last post, hate I don’t stay consistent but I get distracted very easily. This one is gonna be a bit short for now as I’m out and about but made me want to post about one of my many anxiety and sensory issue for me as well for many aspie people out there.

Today I’m at the hospital for my husband, having an ultrasound done on his liver as I’m typing and then head to the dreaded store.
I always have issues while out in public mostly due to if it’s crowded. Ugh, it gets me very flustered, confused as to what or where to go next, start feeling a “rushed” feeling inside my body like I want to flee…then when I’m at the register and someone comes up behind me feels like they are breathing down my neck so I move to the side of my buggy (OK here in the south we call or well majority of us call the shopping carts “buggy” lol).

Well gotta wrap it up as he is almost done but just thought I’d share my “thought” of the moment.